As I walked into his office, I could tell something was very wrong. My client confirmed this, blurting out, “They’ve shorted me $50,000 on our last transaction!”
Based on our prior coaching sessions, I knew that this man was eagerly anticipating his share of a real estate sale. Although he was located in the state of Utah, he had played an integral part in the sale which had been transacted in Southern California by his partners. He had received some of the compensation due him, but was still $50K short.
Up to this point, he had assumed that the remaining money would be coming. He had waited patiently, perhaps too patiently. However, over the last month, he had deluged the SoCal office with texts, emails, and phone calls–with no response from the California partners. Now he was worried–and angry!
I asked him what he felt he should do; he responded that he wanted his partners to honor their agreement, but their silence seemed to be strong evidence that they did not intend to do so.
I then asked him if $50K was a sufficient reason to fly down to Los Angeles to confront his partners face-to-face. His initial reaction surprised me. He said, “I don’t know. I don’t want to offend them by being too aggressive.”
A bit more probing led us to discover that he feared how to approach the issue with them. Based on that, I suggested that we spend the rest of the coaching session role-playing the prospective conversation with his partners. We started with my client taking the part of his partners, while I played him. This allowed him to reveal some of the responses he feared, as I waded in with his clear sense that they had failed to live up to their agreement.
We proceeded with several rounds of role-playing, with each of us changing roles. After an hour or so of this, my client thanked me, saying that he felt much better about how to proceed. I asked him what he planned to do, but he was still uncertain. I left hoping that somehow he would confront his partners–and that he would prevail.
The next day, I called my client’s office to see how he was feeling about things. I was stunned to learn that he was not at work, he was on a flight to Los Angeles. I immediately had a mixture of excitement and dread on his behalf. What if my coaching failed to arm him adequately for the impending confrontation?
My mind was eased that evening when the client called me. There was elation in his voice as he told me that he was about to board a flight home with a $50,000 check in his pocket. He said that things had been tense, but had rolled out very much like one of the role-playing scenarios we had rehearsed.
This story, and many others like it, have played out over my years as a business coach. The fact is that effective confrontation skills are key tools for leaders in all walks of life. Indeed, they are essential tools for successful adult interactions. We all must occasionally step up and confront the issues that life inevitably presents.
Much has been written by psychologists and philosophers about counterfeit approaches to confrontation, two of which are silence and violence. My client didn’t want to have the tough conversation that was necessary for him to be paid what he was owed. He had opted for silence. But as it became clear that his partners were also silent, he became angry–and violent responses began to enter his mind.
Silence and violence are rarely effective confrontation strategies; thus the role-playing to move to more thoughtful and coherent options. In their excellent book, Crucial Confrontations, authors Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler share the importance of getting face-to-face with your counterpart(s), and using their version of CPR:
- C: Content–Make sure that you are confronting the right problem; don’t be railroaded off that problem with emotions or specious arguments
- P: Pattern–Identify what how the problem has emerged over time, and how that pattern has contributed to the issue at hand
- R: Relationships–How has the problem impacted your relationships? To the greatest extent possible, separate people from the problem–and seek common interests and purposes.
There are times when we each must step up and confront such concerns, including where we observe:
- Clear injustices
- Confusion or misunderstanding
- Unkindness or hatred
- Undermining, misrepresentations, or backstabbing
- Danger to oneself or others
- Bad behavior
- Unfair expectations
- Violation of company values
- Or anything else that produces continuous uneasy feelings.
Confronting issues and problems is never easy. Indeed, it is one of the most difficult and dreaded things that any of us have to do. But it is essential that we learn to do so in productive and effective ways.
